"...And I'm the one walking around with an empty basket."
- Awaitenno Akito

...I've been avoiding deviantART. It's not because I haven't been creative, on the contrary, I've been writing a lot lately, mainly poetry, and couple dozen haiku's inspired by my day to day life. But I get this feeling every time I get the opportunity to post a new journal, I decide to let my inhibitions go and just let everyone know what's going on. I've been told it's a litter too personal and I seem borderline emo. Truth be told, I always thought that is what blogging was for. Saying what needs to be said and not caring. So I'm going to stop caring...

Out the door, just in time,
Heading down the 405,
Gotta meet the new boss by 8 am.
The phone rings, in the car,
The wife is workin' hard,
She runnin' late tonight again.

..."Oh, really? I didn't know that about you."...
...I've been hearing that a lot lately. In this past week I've heard it about a hundred times from many people I interact with on an almost daily basis. I am a fairly private person face to face, I prefer to keep a calm and calculating demeanor at work, fake a smile every now and then, and listen to people talk about their lives. So it came as no surprise when a co-worker who was interested in my choice of drink ("Bolthouse Carrot Juice" for those of you who are curious) said it. But I started to notice that my mother says that often, as do my siblings. So I decided to randomly drop what I thought were commonly known facts about me, and was surprised when I kept hearing that. It's a little disconcerting at times to realize how little people know about you...

Well I know what I've been told,
You gotta work to feed the soul.
But I can't do this all on my own,
No I know, I'm no superman.

...I recently started seeing someone, the bassist of Seven Car Pile-Up, and we've talked more often than I do with anyone else face to face these days. And out of the blue, she asked that age old question that most girls I think ask when they are wondering how serious a relationship is getting: "Why do you like me?" The conversation was somewhat straight forward I think. I'll let you judge. (And in case you re wondering: yes, if a conversation is meaningful to me, I tend to write it down almost right away so i get it word for word.)...

"So... Why do you like me?"
"It's a pointless question. Why does the moon glow in the night? Why does the sunrise? Why do starts shine and fade? They just sort of do, and they can't help it because in their being of beings, it's what they want as well."
"Damn you and your romantic side. But I don't get it, I'm not exactly the picture of slim perfection."
"I don't date skinny girls. I prefer a healthy woman I won't outlive, and who won't complain about my cooking making her fat. And besides, you look fine to me, and you don't exactly indulge yourself very often. Unless you count sake, in which case I am happy to share your burdens."
"I didn't know you thought that way. Okay fine, but your part Hispanic. I figured you'd date a Hispanic girl. I'm as pale as a salamander."
"Spanish. I'm of Spaniard descent. And I don't date Hispanic girls, to feisty for my tastes. Also, I like pale, I also like those dark circles under your eyes when I know you haven't been sleeping enough. I reminds me that your real, and not some dream that might vanish before my eyes. Also, you look amazingly hot when you don't sleep." (Which is true, my last relationship was with a Caribbean girl, completely different, and I'm sure she would agree.)
"Your an odd bird... but...I didn't know that about you. You know we Japanese girls can be feisty if we want to."
"If you want to, but you are not, your reserved, and sweet. And you understand that when I hand you something, it's not trivial, but instead I've seen you look at it from all angles until you figure out it's my attempt at a simple romantic gesture. Like when we met."
"The napkin rose on my bass. I liked it. And you surprise me, I don't think we have ever touched on this topic. Makes me feel a little jealous that you have probably done this for a dozen girls before me."
"Not a dozen. Just one."
"Oh, so it's not that bad. Now we should stop laying on the floor, it's dusty in here and you have allergies."

...We were on the floor of her attic, just staring out a little window she had. And she was right, I did have an allergy attack after that, but she had Benadryll on hand, so I was fine. But, I could didn't realize how little about my reasons she knew, and I know she was happy when I explained that she was special to me. But still, I thought she knew, and I felt a little bad for not telling her earlier. We ended up having dinner at my place, and talked a little more, and she still kept using a variation of that same phrase, and each time it bothered me a little...

And you've got your love online,
You think you're doin' fine,
But you're just plugged into the wall.
And that deck of tarot cards,
Won't get you very far,
There ain't no hand to break your fall.

...So I've been wondering, if I should make myself a little more accessible to others. Maybe shed a bit of the frost that surrounds me most of the time. I feel detached at time, true, but sometimes when I get too involved with what is going on, I start to lose a sense of myself, and I start to feel like a Wikipedia Friend (you know the type: "That movie was good." "I thought it sucked." "Yeah me too."). But when I distance myself, I feel like I'm no where in the article (another Wikipedia euphemism, sorry). I mean, I've always lived a life of sitting at my computer, and now working, going home, and doing the same. But now that I actually have someone to interact with, I come home, I sit down, and try to work on something, and I get restless, and I just want to be away from my computer, hours at a time and just interact with someone (unfortunately, my main source isn't available too often due to her band, which is fine because I'm proud of her). And I consider calling someone, but I worry that they are busy, and while I feel like killing time by talking for a few hours, they may be busy working, homework, anything, so I don't bother. And I end up sitting on my blue pleather couch and staring at my TV until my alarm tells me it's time to sleep (yes, I need an alarm to remind me to go to sleep now a days). So I'm at an impasse: I finally want to interact with people, but I think I've isolated myself to the point where I sort of don't know how to...

Well I know what I've been told,
You gotta know just when to fold.
But I can't do this all on my own,
No I know, I'm no superman.

...At the same time, I've noticed I have very little to claim in life. I don't I've truly accomplished anything (and I know a few of you have told me that I'm young, but that doesn't mean anything). In truth: I blame Christopher Paolini. That smug bastard already writing a cycle and he's not even my age yet! Nah, I don't blame him directly, just those people who achieve greatness at a young age. They sort of make the rest of us look like we are slacking off. But serious: I hate him with a passion for taking so long to release Brisingr and at the same time making it into two books. Truth be told, it strikes me like he's trying to stretch the fame a little, and doesn't want to let it go just yet. What he doesn't realize is most authors get one good series, and when it drags on too long, they end up being moved to the paper back aisle. But enough of my Paolini rant (though it felt good to finally say what a lot of people are thinking)...

You've crossed the finish line,
Won the race but lost your mind,
Was it worth it after all?
I need you here with me,
Cause love is all we need,
Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall.

...So I've been working diligently about 8 hours a day here at work. Since All I really do is answer phones, it leaves me a lot of free time. The business is coming along. A few key individuals are holding me up a little, but I'm trying to let it go, and not be too "bossy" about it. I am putting up our Forums and Newsletter soon (as we speak actually), so to the members who read this, expect that soon. I am also trying to think of very creative concepts for us to start with, so while I've been a bit lacking with major production, the concept side of me is still going...

Well I know what I’ve been told,
Gotta break free to break the mold.
But I can't do this all on my own,
No I can’t do this all on my own,
No I know, That I'm no, Superman.

...And here it is. The end of another revealing, and exploratory journal. In case anyone is wondering, I don't actually read these myself. And I actually believe no one reads them entirely, but skip sections at a time. It's fine though, it's what I expect, and truth be told, some people may not even care, a majority just flat out don't. Doesn't really change anything, I write these just to vent. And because sometimes I feel like...

"Life is like a grocery store, and I'm the one walking around with an empty basket."

*´¨' )
¸.•´¸.•*´¨' ) ¸.•*¨' )
(¸.•´ (¸.• Dewa mata, Akito.

~ Say it once, say it twice. Take a chance and roll the dice.
Ride with the moon in the dead of night. ~
:

"...And never, under any circumstances, face the facts."
- Ruth Gordon

...So I've been doing some thinking as well as some recruitment, and some of the facts aren't adding up, and it's a little discouraging to be honest. I don't want to ramble too long without getting to the point, so just as before. I will begin at the beginning and when I get to the end: I'll stop...

Right now we've got a reason to live,
But it's got nothing to do with you.
We've got a lot of places we're gonna go,
a lot of things that we're gonna do.

...So I started working. not one, but two jobs actually. And one of them is during normal business hours (8am to 5pm to be exact). It's a strange twist for me since I'm used to late swing shifts (4pm to Midnight), but I like the job, it meets many of my personal tastes: stress free, friendly yet not to personal associates, I can sit down, and when it's not busy, my time is my own (for instance, while at work I have caught up on xxxHolic and am writing this journal as well). Also the opportunity for overtime is simply amazing. Also the pay is great and all I do all day is answer phones and transfer calls (I am a receptionist for a service employee union). If the phones are slow, I clean up the copy room or the supply rooms, if that's done, then I sit down and browse the internet most of the time. Ah, what a fun job~! The other job is an in-store demonstrator for Bolthouse Farms. Basically I'm the one giving out the samples, in this case of juice. It's actually good juice, I suggest everyone try some (Green Goodness is my favorite). That one is a little less stable, since it's on weekends and evenings only, and for 4 hours at a time, but it's fine, it's relaxing, and I get free juice which is supplying my new diet (I am determined to get back to my Jr. High weight if it kills me)...

In your world we may be no one,
But what makes you think you're someone?
We have got just what we need,
And we don't need you.

...My left hand is still numb, and it still brings to mind that hint of fear that music is done for me. I did play guitar with a friends band, and I did fine, which was easy since I can feel the strings I'm hitting with my right hand just fine, and I can actually see my left hand and focus on placement. The problem with violin is that I can't see my hand past the bow, so placement is difficult without being able to feel the strings with my finger tips. Piano isn't as bad as violin, since I can look at my left hand, but sometimes I need to pay attention to my right when the lead differs from the rhythm, and that is when I start losing it. Now, truth be told, I'm not a real musician, I don't really devote my time to it enough to be considered one, there are also my various musical hindrances (left hand aside, I can't read music, and I learn songs through muscle memory), so at best I am an amateur, but it is a craft of mine, and I would hate to lose it. I have released albums in the past: one major release, on early EP under the same name, and an unreleased incomplete album dedicated to the lovely little tune of that ever classic game: Tetris (this one under a different name). I have considered a new major release, even if it is simply a small EP, or a full blown album, I think I should get back into the game. The benefit is that the chance to play with my music teachers amateur orchestra is coming in late-April, so I may agree to that and help her (instruments depending on how my personal music "rehab" is going). I am convincing her to record it, so who knows, that may also be a release...

I can tell where our future lies,
And you can tell we've got nothing to hide.
The way things seem to me right now,
Everything will be just fine.

...So I've been drumming up numbers and facts about my still developing business, "Dead Moon Entertainment". To those who don't know, or who know but would like a clear definition of what it is we are doing: we are bringing creativity back into the world. Basically to sum it up, I am employee people with creative talents in order to help with large group projects that may or may not being income to the business, in exchange for payment, supplies (if needed), and credit/promotion. Truth be told the idea may seem shaky to some (according to comments from a few people I've attempted to recruit), and I will honestly say: stability is a little shaking right now since we are only getting started, but quite frankly I am trying to have faith in the idea, and help it grow. If you are interested, or have a question, feel free to e-mail our HR/Employee department: [link] . We are still looking for a variety of people from artists to writers to musicians. Even some programmers if there are any interested. We also offer a chance to grow, and even offer up your own ideas so we can make them happen. I like to think of it more like a chosen family than a business (though not everyone may agree with that view)...

We're gonna do it all our way.
We don't need you to darken our day.
We've never given up before and
This stand won't be our first time.

...For those already in, I've been looking at the numbers, and it doesn't look good, but I hope that I can get people loyal enough to the cause that it won't really matter for now, and so that when we start getting bigger and bigger, we can really look back and say, "I remember when... but now look at us." I may be hoping for too much, but I like to expect more than think is possible, that way I don't lose my dying faith for humanity (no offense to you humanity... it's just that sometimes you suck). So just remember: I am trying my damnedest to be a good boss and leader, but I'd like to know that if I slip up, I'll have a good team to catch me, stand me up and say, "Hey. Watch your step." No judgment, or expectations beyond what I, as a human, can produce. Just a team of people who like what we are doing, and don't mind the good times as well as the bad...

No one's gonna tell me, I'm gonna do it my way.
No one's gonna tell me how to get it done.

...So that is the news from my end, all summed up and neatly written out during my day, I'm posting right after I come back from lunch (amazingly great ramen place within walking distance, very expensive sadly, but they have this very well prepared green tea imported from the base of Mt. Fuji, so it's worth it). How about all of you, holding up well I hope. Like I said, I've been looking at the numbers and figures and I'm unsure of myself, and I am trying to push that aside: the doubt, the fear, the worry, and just push on and hope for the best. The facts tell me this can't happen and I may fall flat on my face, but hey, there is always going to be a first aid box within reach. After all...

"Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts."

*´¨' )
¸.•´¸.•*´¨' ) ¸.•*¨' )
(¸.•´ (¸.• Dewa mata, Akito.

~ Dance and Sing. Come and See. This: Our Lunatic Circus. ~


P.S.
... Also expect some poetry and maybe a short story or a chapter soon, I feel like writing...

P.S.S.
...I DO NOT LIEK TEH MUDKIPS... and I am wiling to bet this is an April Fool's Day joke by the dA staff. I said it now, let's see if I'm right...

"...by developing our strengths, not by eliminating our weaknesses."
Marilyn vos Savant

...This is going to be long. I mean extremely long. And pointless. Well, pointless if you don't know me. For those of you who do, or even don't, and still want to read about 5 weeks of a stranger's life and how it all went, then feel free to take a seat and read. To the people who do know me: you don't have to read this, I just needed to vent, and some of you may know why. Anyways, in the words of the white king, I will begin at the beginning and when I get to the end: I'll stop...

What did you do? What did you say?
Did you walk or did you run away?
Where are you now? Where have you been?
Did you go alone or did you bring a friend?

...So, flash backwards to the week of February 14th. My 21st Birthday (21 Winters... damn I'm old). First of all, let me set the record straight for those who don't know: I was born on the lovely afternoon of the 12th of February, the problem was, my dear, dear father was... indisposed of at the time. So my birth certificate was not cut, signed and stamped until the 14th. So, physically, I was born the 12th, but legally, documents say the 14th. Why did I pick the 14th? Well originally I would spend the 14th with friends and the 12th was reserved for family. It so happens taking the later date helped me feel much closer to someone I once had feelings for, though I get the feeling she didn't quite get it. Anyways, I despise my actual birthday, because NO ONE ever remembers (well not no one, but I'll get to it later). This year, the 12th came and went, and not even my family made their usual fuss (I'm not one of those, 'Don't pay attention to me on my birthday' people, I do enjoy that time of year... well when it's not the 14th... again, I'll get to it later). So I spent the 12th in my room with a bottle of vintage white wine (c. 1982) I had been saving just for the occasion (a gift from a co-worker at my hotel job). The 13th was uneventful yet again, and knowing the day of dread was around the corner, I decided to do something drastic, and changed my vacation plans from work a little. I had originally taken the week off after suffering my 5th stress-induced heart attack (upon which the doctor declared no pork, no beer, no extremely heavy drinking, and relaxation techniques). So I decided on something relaxing...

I need to know this, cause I noticed, that you're smilin',
Out in the sun, having fun and feeling free.
And I can tell you know how hard this life can be,
But you keep on smilin' for me.

...I went to California. Los Angeles to be exact, to be with some near and dear friends of mine. The 14th was when I arrived, and like I said (and corrected) earlier, hardly anyone remember. Except the twins I had gone to see and their little sister: And quite frankly it felt damn good! Also their parents, but they didn't know and so I forgive their lack of knowledge completely because they are dear and kind people... who give me cheese (long story!). So I spent time in Los Angeles, and with my Income Tax return, as well free money I had saved for my vacation, I decided to visit Venice Beach (twice), a large mall near Santa Monica (twice again) and the Promenade (which I have always been curious about). I killed time with old friends, met some new ones I hope to keep in touch with, and even bought my first bottle of wine (a nice bottle of Southeast Australia Yellowtail Shiraz). We bought a crazy board game, played the daylights out of it. I even acquired four employees for my up and coming company. But the most important thing wasn't any of that. A few people may know of my many physical and mental maladies, including but not wholly limited to: Major Asperger syndrome traits, Minor OCD, Severe insomnia, deteriorated health of all major organs, slight delusions brought on by very minor schizophrenic, as well as just having recovered from a 5th heart attack, my left arm was still impaired, and as of the writing of this journal, the bottom of my left hand, as well as my thumb, middle and ring fingers, are all completely numb and I have no sense of touch in them. And yet, being there, and learning what I learned helped me. I slept soundly for gods sakes! Something I hadn't done for the past 3 years. Not only that, I felt more at peace, and while it may have seemed I entered into stated of odd silence (not sure if you four noticed), I wasn't upset or anything, I felt serene, and calm for once, and I was simply enjoying the atmosphere...

What went right? What went wrong?
Was it the story or was it the song?
Was it overnight or did it take you long?
Was knowing your weakness what made you strong?

...But then I came home. And went back to "Hotel Hell Hole," and it all just came flooding right back. It was the stress, and also, apparently my hacking cough wasn't just a sore throat, it was actually just the effects of working in a smoke-filled casino (who knee). So I spent a very long week at work, only to find out that they didn't pay my time off because the stupid retard of a manager I had decided to give me the time off, but never actually faxed the paper work to our payroll department. I was fuming, and needless to say, while I could have been calmer about the situation, things got tense between me and her. The week ended, my days off came around, and nothing major happened. It was a normal Monday evening; I had some paperwork to fax concerning my return to college I had been considering. So I figured I would use the fax machine at work. All was fine and dandy, I greeted my many co-workers, and slipped into the back office when the manager aught sight of me, and as wetly as she could, asked if I had a moment to talk with her. I wasn't in a rush, and she was trying to fix my pay problem, so I was fine to stay and chat. Ah, what a chat it was. Apparently on Wednesday (my first day back), I checked someone into a luxury suite who didn't have a reservation, but was willing to pay the three grand to get the room at prevailing rates. No problems there, all according to the bylaws. He put up his American Express for the room, name on the card matched the name on the ID, letter for letter, word for word. No problems there, all according to the bylaws. But apparently Mr. Sean Russell Spencer (as it said on his Nevada State ID), was in fact Mr. Sean Russell Spencer Jr. And his father (yep, you guessed it, Mr. Sean Russell Spencer Sr., NOT how it said it on the credit card by the way), hadn't authorized the use of his card, and quite frankly had thrown his son out and his son lifted the card. Okay, small problem, we can snag him on the way out and make him pay right? No! Because she had decided to wait almost a week before bringing it to my attention, Junior had already stayed his 3 nights in the luxury suite, billed every meal and bet to the room, and taken off into the night, leaving behind a debt in the sum of thirty-eight thousand dollars (give or take a few cents). So guess who has to take the blame for the situation? Yep. You guessed it. So while suspended for no pay pending deeper investigation (Because they think I was in cahoots with the bastard), I am sitting at home wondering if I'll keep my job or not. After a week of not a single work, or even a hint of results when I call, I got a little annoyed, and decided to give my two-weeks notice. Nope. I was fired right after officially giving my notice. They walked me on my two-weeks. So now I am jobless. Lucky for me that pay issue got settled right? That should make another months rent and bills while I get another job...

Or all the above, oh how I love to see you smiling.
And, oh yeah, take a little pain just in case,
You need something warm to embrace
To help you put on a smilin' face.

...So I am searching the want ads when the mail comes: a bill? Oh. A bill from the hospital for my heart attack because the douche bags at Boyd Gaming refuse to cover it since I am no longer employed (yet was at the time, and had the heart attack because of work). Eight thousand dollars for a hospital visit, and three thousand dollars for an ambulance ride. Well... that's not good now is it? Lucky for me the medical system is very considerate, and when I explained I was no longer employed with Boyd Gaming and The Orleans, they told me to simply hold onto the bill and let them know when I would be available to make payments. So, one bullet dodged. But now the work scene is scarce, and with the stigma of the annoying bureaucracy of the Casino Industry instilled into me, my choices in Las Vegas were limited. But on and on I trudge. You know, trudging right? To trudge: the slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on...

Don't you go off into the new day with any doubt.
Here's a summary of something that you could smile about:
Say for instance my girlfriend, she bugs me all the time,
But the irony of it all is that she loves me all the time.

...So things are getting worse, my insomnia struck with a vengeance at my activity. My desire to eat failed me, though my desire to constantly drink tea rose, so it wasn't all bad. Worse off, my creative desire sort of fell into a little pile of ashes, just waiting for the next sharp wind to send them flying. And guess what: it came. Okay, let me introduce you to one of my siblings, those who knows him, will know him by mere description: the survivor of four major car accidents, he has managed to total seven CR-X's, a Honda del Sol, A Mitsubishi Eclipse AND my old Vespa. Well: with a track record like this, it's no surprise when we get the call from his wife telling us he was in a car accident. Yes, he was t-boned by another car, and with his luck, the door of his truck caved in, and crushed his left leg (just about breaking it in half), and his car was wrecked. Ah, lucky for him, amputation wasn't needed, a surgical alignment of the bones, a steel plate, a cast, some stitched and a heavy dose of Vicodin later and he's right as rain (don't worry, if you don't know him: that is right as rain for him). So, one family emergency down, I cling the last desires of my ashen creativity: but as they say, when it rains, it pours. Now allow me to introduce you to the eldest of my siblings: married, owns a house, successful, 2 children, my niece and nephew. And while my niece as smart as a sage, and as cute as a bunny, my nephew is nearing six years old, and still has problems talking. While my mother rants about it being a hearing problem (which his parents thought of already and had checked), a specialist sadly announced, that he is presenting signs of early, and severe Autism. Asperger's syndrome to be exact. Sound familiar? Yes, I too was diagnosed with this branch of Autism by my own doctor, something that wasn't checked, and has developed in its own little way. IN truth I' better off since I had three older brothers who would shut me up when I would talk, or stunt the growth of the condition by bringing it to my attention I was making little to no sense, or when I was acting... odd. I'm grateful really. But my mother seemed confused and really worried like he was dying, so I spent an afternoon talking to her about it so she could calm down. Well Autism can be passed on through generations, and my mother had haply forgotten to neglect that my bloody father showed signed of Autism, as well as some members of his family! And here I thought it was a spontaneous occurrence. No, I was lucky enough to find out I was sired by a family rife with it. I neglected to tell her what my Psychologist told me, though I would be relaying this new detail to her in order to maybe help her understand where it came from in me. I also decided to share it with my eldest sibling, and it put his mind somewhat at ease to know it wasn't some random cursing, but he isn't too pleased with the situation. I decided to not tell him about myself, and just suggested my nephews older sister did to him what they did to me, and maybe it would be alright...

I want to be you, whenever I see you smiling,
Because its easily one of the hardest things to do.
Your worries and fears become your friends,
And they end up smiling at you .

...Actually, that night I took a drive up to the middle of the desert and sat on the hood of my car and simply stared up, thinking. There are a lot of things no one knows about me that I've kept secret for fear of ridicule, mockery, what have you. And even some people who think they know everything about me sometimes forget there was a long period of my life they didn't exist in, and sometimes that history explains a lot of what they didn't understand. So I am going to say what I want, because I've realized admission helps the mind be at ease. I have been seeing a psycho-therapist for the last 2 and a half years because after certain events, contrary to what I like to admit: I suffered a severe mental and emotional break down, and I didn't enjoy the downward spiral which often led to the thought of the blade or the barrel. I wanted to do something about it, so I chose to. As much as it hurts to hold it all in, I cling to that safety space I have, and don't like to let people in. To be honest, only one person has ever truly come in contact with the real me, and sadly it wasn't the person I loved, I couldn't bear the thought of her truly seeing me and realizing what a mess she had, and choosing the easier path. Quite frankly, I don't think I regret any of it. I'm told I should stop trying to be cold and distant in order to feel safe, and I should really start letting people in. I'm indecisive still. I still find myself answering automatically when people as how I am with the simple response of "I'm fine". Truth is: I'm not. I still have health issues, I still have financial problems, I am scared about a lot of things, one including my hand being numb, and how I think it means I can't play music anymore. Or how this dream I have for a great business might crash and burn because of self-sabotage. And I find it stupid, that in the end of it all, there are people I would like to talk to about this, but I know that I won't, or in some cases can't. It makes me feel stupid. But what can I say?...

"Success is achieved by developing our strengths, not by eliminating our weaknesses."

*´¨' )
¸.•´¸.•*´¨' ) ¸.•*¨' )
(¸.•´ (¸.• Dewa mata, Akito.

~ Dance and Sing. Come and See. Our Lunatic Circus. ~